I am Hidden.
When I was in grade eight, I had a tough year in school, I was bullied, I was rejected, I was alone.
The next year someone I loved and trusted said to me, “I can kinda understand, you were pretty annoying that year”. I am scarred by those words. I have never forgotten.
Since then those words have served as a warning for me. They’ve propelled an inner lie, “Keep people at bay Sarah. They can’t handle too much of you. They’ll get tired and turn their backs on you eventually. It’s best not to get too close”.
Connection was risky. Distance was safe. The result though was loneliness.
I say “was” as if it’s a struggle from my past, but in truth it’s still very real to this day. I don’t trust people. I don’t trust them to love me as I am, and I don’t trust them to stay the course as I let them see me in my good and bad. The odd thing is that I think my best parts have also been the parts I worry about the most. See I’m bubbly and a fast talker, not only that, but I like to talk, like a LOT. People don’t always like someone whose chatty and bubbly at 7 am, especially when its natural and not a result of coffee.
It’s my default to quickly assume I’m too much for people, and I’m sure there are times when I am. Though sometimes I can’t help but wonder how much of the distance I feel with people is created by me. Maybe it’s not them rejecting me, but me hiding behind my walls. Me trying to protect myself from being hurt.
My husband sometimes says, “Don’t say no for people”. Now he’s never really applied it to this context, but as I mull over this connection issue of mine, I can’t help but think it fits perfectly. DON’T SAY NO FOR PEOPLE! Don’t say no for people when you meet them and don’t say no when you wonder whether or not to let them in. Risk discomfort and rejection in favour of genuine and quality friendships.
This blog is a step in the right direction for me. I am sharing my heart on these pages, and yet, it’s still from a distance. I can still see the struggle for me in my daily life. Friends that have stood the test of time, and yet barely know me. Cryptic conversations where I am longing to share my heart, but holding back so much because I just can’t bring myself to say the words.
Will they accept me? Will they love me? The real me, whoever that is, just as I am?
I know the one who loves me. His name is Jesus. He sees all of me. He understands me, better than I understand myself. He has held me in my darkest moments. When I struggle, He gently whispers to me and calls me to more. This is one of those moments.
The other day I was lounging in my jammies past noon daydreaming about this blog. I was lost in thought dreaming about what it might look like down the line. Maybe I’d find community with my readers and other bloggers like me, and who knows, maybe I’d get to go to a big fancy writing conference one day. My excitement was quickly overtaken with insecurity. I couldn’t get it out of my head that I don’t belong. See I am not polished like all those Instagram ready moms and bloggers. I can’t curl my hair into those beachy waves or apply anything but mascara, and I’m more a hot mess than the DIY mom. More than that though, I’m afraid to let people in.
Right now at this very moment I am very aware of just how hidden I am, and how much of a struggle that is for me. In fact my life is a tug and pull of wanting to be truly known and wanting to flee from any real connection.
I’m afraid of letting myself be known just as I am, but I cannot live this way anymore. I’m tired of being lonely and afraid, so I am choosing to drop my walls and connect. Not just on these pages, but in life.
True connection doesn’t happen over night. It takes time and investment, but I’ve got to accept myself first. Learn to love me just as I am, just as God made me, and live in that. Then maybe I’ll start with something simple like coffee with a friend and real, honest conversation. It won’t be easy, I might get hurt, but it’s a risk I’m taking.
11 thoughts on “Just as I Am”
Sarah you’re awesome – thank you so much for sharing your heart! I can totally relate to everything you’ve written. But for the record I could never get enough of you and your bubbly personality 🙂
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Thanks Beth! ❤️
You know, I’ve so much to say about this post. When we became friends I thought you were a beautiful soul and I still think that. I thought wow, she has it all together and she’s so easy-going and I would love to be like her. True story. We never know the battles that we are all facing underneath. I often wonder why we don’t text anymore, maybe I was too much for you, LOL. I also struggle with friendships, I keep people at a distance for many reasons. So I can completely relate to this post. I will tell you, when I get makeup on and I do my hair which I’m good at, I take a picture of myself so I can make everyone else believe that I’m okay. But I’m not okay, I’m going through a divorce, I’m a single mom, and is life is really difficult right now. But when I read your post, I know that us women and moms have to stick together. We have to reach out to each other from time to time and I will do that with certain friends, the ones who are real and you are very real and you are very seen my friend, I hear you and I see you. When life gets really overwhelming for me, I think about all the things that I’m doing, I’m raising three boys, I went to school and I am doing what I love. I am strong Brave woman. You put yourself out there everyday, you are raising four children, among the many other things that you do including laundry, oh the laundry. You will always have a friend in me and I want you to remember that. I’m the person you can text and lean on. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for being such an encouraging friend. I’ve always thought you were amazing too. Seriously! What I’ve written here is the reason why we haven’t really kept in touch. It’s been me and my insecurity, but I’m tired of that, so let’s connect! I miss our chats.
Girl, it’s not just on you, I have my own baggage or I like to call it luggage, it’s fancier. I keep people at a distance for a reason. So don’t take full responsibility. I like your rawness and honesty, I’m attracted to that in a friend. I don’t like people who pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. You know my number, you can text me anytime. I love you.
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Thank you for your sweet honesty. We all have areas we struggle in. Keep looking to your Savior, His love will never fail you!
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words.
We may have met once at Pastors Conference but I totally hear your heart. We all struggle with who we are and our insecurities but I so applaud you for stepping out into the water a little deeper. I need to do the same. Thank you for sharing your heart and keep on writing!
Thanks Colleen. I’m sure we have met before. I know your husband from Healthy Church too.
You just wrote my heart.
You are not alone. We can do this! ❤️