Tag: God

Trauma

It’s Time to Drop the Curtain on Sexual Abuse in the Church

Sarah Faith

There’s a myth that’s invaded the church that must be addressed, the lie that the we must hide abuse to protect the faith. That cover ups are necessary at all costs to shield the church from condemnation and finger pointing cynics. I debated whether to even write about it. I am a victim and I have endured abuse within the church. Sadly, it wasn’t handled well. It wasn’t a cover up per se, and I’ve been fortunate to have support from some very godly and compassionate people, but at the core of it I was deeply wounded.

Headlines are constantly popping up about abuse in the church, and on Monday I woke up to another shocking account. I read about the Southern Baptist Convention’s cover up of abuse and the vilification of victims. As though they sought out being violated so that they could do the devils work. As if the carnage of lost souls that lay in the wake of their abuser was on their conscience. I was furious. Not just because of the abuse, and the massive cover up, but the insidious lie that victims are doing harm by coming forward. A lie that has enabled abusers.

Honestly it shook me. I sat in bed nearly all day, triggered. In the afternoon, I went downstairs and met my husbands gaze, eyes wide, completely overtaken with emotion. “What?” he said, with a perplexed grin. I tried to choke back the tears. He had no idea I’d been wallowing all day and I was a little embarrassed by it all, but my attempts to conceal my pain were useless. A tear betrayed me as it trickled down my cheek and then it all burst out. “I’m just so tired of this fallen world!”, I blurted out between sobs, “I want to do something about it, but I’m just too terrified.” 

There it was. The barren truth. And it wasn’t just my usual fears of my abuser, it was the pervasive lie that drove the SBC scandal. That victims who speak up are responsible for the wake. For the wreckage when believers walk away and skeptics say, “We knew it!” The narrative is victims are dangerous and they are damaging the gospel. I wiped my tears and tried to busy myself by ruffling through the laundry, but internally I was praying, “God will it be my fault? Will I have sinned against you if I tell them the truth? Will the outcome be on my conscience? Will I be responsible if they walk away?” 

The lie was so pervasive it was there all along and I didn’t even see the guilt that I carried.

I’d always felt that one day God would use my story, but in a way I thought I couldn’t or shouldn’t speak until it was prettier. And I realize that’s a strange way to frame abuse, but to some degree in Christianity we wait for God to make our pain pretty. To wrap it up all nicely with a big bow. We use metaphors like a “beautiful mosaic” to tell of God’s restorative work. But what about me? I don’t have that. I’m not even sure I know what that looks like, aside from a miraculous apology and character change from my abuser. I used to hope for that, and I still pray for it, but with free will I’ve come to terms with the fact that even though God is at work, He won’t force it. So here I am left with a story that looks just plain ugly and doesn’t meet the standards for a safe testimony with little chance of collateral damage. 

The experience and aftermath of it all has left my own personal faith hanging in the balance. I can’t help but feel I don’t qualify as being spiritually mature enough for my story to be a witness. Maybe, I’m too broken. I see God at work in the midst of my trauma, but I’ve been spiritually battered. And as a pastors wife, I’ve struggled to admit it because we’re supposed to have it all together, yet I’m suffering spiritually. I feel disconnected from God. My abuse has created a chasm, and I know that ultimately I’m responsible for my faith, but the beauty in it has been tainted. After years of the Bible being weaponized against me, it’s become hard to read. And with so much pain inflicted within the church, it’s been hard to trust spiritual leader’s intention and call. Simply put, I am the carnage, my faith is in the wake.

Churches are so hell bent on “protecting” the gospel and preventing a so called spiritual decline, yet there I sat on the ground praying to God and asking if I was going to hurt him with my story. If the words welling up inside of me, desperately needing to pour out of me like the tears still wet on my cheeks were shameful. I wondered if I was the sinner for wanting to break my silence. For wanting people to hear my story, so that healing and change could come not just for myself, but for others.

Here’s the flaw with all of this. The stories keep coming. Abusers keep abusing. Headlines are popping up left and right. It’s there, whether or not we speak about it. Whether or not the church chooses to acknowledge it, and you know what, it needs to be exposed! Sin is no less sinful in the darkness, in fact it grows like an insidious mold in the shadows. 

As much as guilt and shame plague me, deep down I’m positive God was grieving with me that sullen afternoon in my living room. I’m certain He weeps with victims like me. I’m sure He is filled with righteous rage when institutions protect power over His beloved children. Worse yet, when they do so in His name. I know He stands with us, even when the optics aren’t good. Jesus walks with us even when it makes for messy PR. His Spirit stands with us when the cost is high. 

Jesus died for sinners. He is a God of freedom and choices. He waits with open arms for the oppressed, and the abuser just the same. His love is redemptive and restorative, but only if we accept it. That’s what the church needs to model. Justice that stands with the abused and protects, yet fierce love and grace in the midst of it. It’s a long process that begins with recognizing that forgiveness happens in the light. It looks like reporting to the authorities, so that the cycle ends here. 

Sure, it will be unbelievably messy. The optics won’t be great. People will walk away and the cost to the church will be high. I have no doubt that it will get worse before it gets better, but it is without question necessary.

My denomination loves to speak of revival, and I’m not usually comfortable with the word, but tonight as I lay awake it popped into my head. The church has been dying under the weight of scandal and hypocrisy. Preaching love from the pulpits when so often it’s been hard to see on the ground floor. We’ve been wallowing in a world that has turned away, blaming humanity for their unwillingness to surrender to Christ, but what if the flaw isn’t with them, what if it’s with us. With the shoddy job we’ve done at being image bearers for Christ. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and I too am guilty, but I think this realization is our key to restoration. Maybe it’s time to accept that we’ve failed at what God has called us to. That we’ve abandoned His message for our own comfort. 

I read those articles and I was angry, but I was also encouraged. I read accounts of people who were speaking up and it restored some of the faith I had lost, because I could finally see Jesus in the midst of it. The report is devastating and it comes too late in the sense that it could have prevented so much if action had been taken sooner, but I still have hope. I see a denomination that made mistakes, but is finally acknowledging it. I see repentance and church leaders bearing Christ’s image. I see His perfect love modelled as they stand with victims like me. I see revival in the change. In the messy overhaul. 

To be frank, people are not stupid. They aren’t falling for our cheap patchwork curtains that we use to create illusions of purity and holiness. So called “cynics” have been hardened by the lies, by the painful sting of hypocrisy. They’re tired of it and as lovely as Jesus sounds, too often they can’t reconcile Him with His people. That’s the struggle of victims like me too. So many of us love Jesus, but don’t see Him in the way we are treated. Like a faulty puzzle, try as we might we can’t put the pieces together to see the beautiful image. We only see a smattering of pieces that look nothing like the picture. 

The testimony is found in the truth. In a church that seeks healing over self preservation and gain. That sees the gospel not just as a message to be preached, but one to be lived. 

Secrets have a way of rising to the surface and creating a mess when they finally are brought to light, but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if the church was the one to do it. Could it be that silence is actually damaging the church? That accountability is the answer? I know that’s what I need from the church, and I think others do too. And yes, it’s risky, but growth never happens in comfort and despite my hurt, I believe that there is still hope for God’s church. There’s a chance for a whole new era of revival, but it starts when we drop the curtain and step out from the shadows and into the light. 

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We Are Enough

Sarah Faith

“I am just a lunch lady.”

The words glared at me from my phone screen as I read the pain of another mother who felt rejected. She had been sitting by herself for her daughter’s whole gymnastics class longing for connection and acceptance, and feeling all alone. The other mothers were career women, and she figured that they were ignoring her, because in her words, “I am just a lunch lady”. 

Now you may be thinking she was just being insecure. Who knows why they ignored her? She was just reading into things. And you may be right, yet as I processed that statement I became angry. Enraged for this woman who felt less than because of her job. Like it determined her value and her place in the world. I began to write a comment, and then I just paused and sat there, sad.

I realized how much I resonated with that statement. Not as a lunch lady, but as a mom. How many times I had felt less than, because I am just a mom. 

Just a mother. 

Not enough. 

Less than. 

Unworthy. 

I too have fallen for the lie. 

You can’t measure my intelligence, because I never finished college. You can’t measure my hard work and ambition, because I never chose a career. You can’t measure my value, because I’ve never cashed in a big paycheque. Never. Those are the markers of success in this world and I don’t have any of them. 

This is why we insert the “just”. The subliminal “not enough”. Because when you add it all up, mothers like me, women like me, fall short. On the surface we don’t seem to measure up, because the method for calculating our worth is flawed. 

I AM ENOUGH. I am not “just”. 

And so are you. 

We are enough just as we are, because God made us. He determined our worth when He called us His own. And all of the rest doesn’t determine anything. 

If you have the degree, career, and pay check, well done! You go girl! I’m proud of you. However, there is no hierarchy. No pyramid of worth and stature. How you choose to fill your days and pay your bills has no bearing on your value. And thank goodness for that, because that is a ton of pressure! 

We are all so much more than our titles and roles. And to believe any different is shallow. 

Our value is spoken for by God, but there are still a few things that matter. Measurements that truly count. Character and integrity. Like when you put your all into making those kids lunches and serve them kindness as they come through the line to pick up their food. Like both of us as we get to raise up tiny humans and we do our best to model respect and humility each day. We get to teach them what counts. What an amazing privilege we have, because those are the things of substance. The things that matter.

So you are not just a lunch lady and I am not just a mom. And we shouldn’t even feel the need to say that, because “just” has no place in who we are. 

You are a lunch lady. I am a mom. We are enough. 

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Cling to the Rock

Sarah Faith

I have been following the coronavirus since it was beginning in China. I had wondered if it would come here, and if so would it be a concern. For the last month I’ve been the crazy lady saying that the “sky is falling” and yet here we are and it all feels so surreal.

My kids are home for the next couple of weeks (at least), church is cancelled, we’re social distancing, and the economy is falling apart at the seams. It’s hard not to be afraid, especially for a “worst case scenario” worrier like me. It feels as though our world is crumbling beneath us and it’s terrifying, but today I am reminded to cling to the Rock.

Two weeks ago I taught the kids at church the Bible parable about the wise and foolish man. It was a lighthearted lesson with LEGO figurines and houses, sand, a rock, water and lots of giggles as the kids watched me tell it. But as I was food prepping, God reminded me of how relevant it is today. To this very situation.

If you’ve never heard this parable here it is,

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27 

So basically, Jesus was teaching us that we need to build our foundation on God. Now how does this apply to today you may ask? We need to remember that! When the ground is shaking and we are afraid, we need to remember we are built on the Rock that is God and we need to cling to Him. We need to build and strengthen our relationship with Christ, so it can weather this season, just as we would build and reinforce our homes to weather any storm. And if by chance you haven’t built your foundation on the Rock, there’s no greater time than the present!

Will that give us immunity? Nope! I’m not one of those Christians who are going to preach about how God saves the faithful. Don’t get me wrong. We are saved, our souls are redeemed, but we are not immune to disease and death. God has not promised us immortality, so therefore we are not exempt from this. Good Christians have and will be infected. Faith filled believers have been and will continue to die, but what we as Christians have is hope! Hope in a God who loves us enough to hold our hand and guide us through the unknown. Hope because though there is so much uncertainty and all of this social distancing, with Christ, we are not alone, no matter how stormy life gets.

We don’t know what lies ahead. How many will be infected? What fate awaits us all, but we do know God is present and He is faithful. So when it feels like the ground beneath you is crumbling, remember to cling to the Rock, because when you do you can weather any storm.

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Let’s Talk About Mom Guilt

Sarah Faith

Guilt is a heavy emotion, but my oh my does it ever kick in in motherhood. A bad day and a flurry of emotions results in moms everywhere wondering if they’ve ruined everything. Thoughts spiral as we contemplate the worst case scenario. Do they know how much they’re loved, or will our whole relationship crumble into a sea of resentment?

Heavy? You betcha, but conversations with friends have showed me that this is a burden that most moms bear. Mom guilt is universal. Every mom I talk to wrestles with it on some level, the difference is some of us feel it heavier than others. Some of us carry it, and let it overwhelm us day to day.

The problem with mom guilt is that it is incredibly unnecessary, unhealthy even. A little self awareness is important. It’s great to be accountable for your mistakes, but we don’t need to be weighed down by them.

The amazing thing is that grace covers all. My kids have shone in strengths that my husband and I just don’t have. Despite ourselves, despite the baggage we carry and sometimes pass down to them, they are turning out pretty great and that’s the grace of God. As Christians, we don’t parent on our own or in pairs, there is another Father in the mix, and He makes up for the things that we lack. When we rely on Him, He teaches our kids things that we never could. Things like grace for our mistakes and the areas that we fall short.

Mom guilt isn’t healthy. It’s heavy and burdens us with feelings of failure and regret, but what is healthy is being accountable for our actions. Yes, we will mess up. Lack of sleep, meltdowns, and messes are a recipe for disaster. We try our best, but the truth is sometimes our frustrations pile up, anger takes over and we lose it. All is not lost though, we have an opportunity in these moments. We can teach our kids how to deal with conflict as we own up to our behaviours and apologize. We can model good behaviour for them as we choose to acknowledge our weaknesses and make changes. I think thats a very healthy way to raise our kids. Acknowledging that sometimes we as people make mistakes. Sometimes we don’t cope well, but we don’t deny it. In our family we will recognize our issues, be accountable, and most of all, we WILL change!

We’re not perfect, but perfect isn’t what our kids need. They need to see parents who stumble and yet get back up again. Donald Miller writes a whole chapter about this in his book Scary Close (I highly recommend it). In it he says, “If you think about it, parents who are open and honest with their kids create an environment in which children are allowed to be human.” See our kids need to see us struggle and then grow. Make mistakes and then make changes. The beauty in this is it creates a safe place for them. A place where it is clear that they don’t have to hide from their mistakes either, but know they will be accepted and loved through them.

Our guilt is a heavy burden, but we can channel it into healthy growth that’s a model for our kids. With God’s strength and grace, our kids can watch us work through our weaknesses, and learn by our example. Not only will they know that they are safe to make mistakes, they will know that they can talk them through with us and we can grow together.

The moral of the story you ask?

Mom guilt has no place here! Instead we need to replace it with a healthy dose of self awareness, accountability, change, and most importantly rely on God for His strength and grace. Worrying never achieved anything. Chances are our kids aren’t holding every mess up against us anyway, so it’s time to let go and move on. There is lots of growing ahead, for all of us. Progress isn’t made dwelling in our past, but in the steps we make toward changing our future. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to do a lot less looking back and a lot more moving forward, and it starts with letting go of all the mom guilt!

Scary Close, Donald Miller p.158

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Cast Your Parenting Anxiety On Him

Sarah Faith

My son is nine today! He’s my firstborn, so his birthday always makes me extra sentimental. His birth signifies the beginning of parenthood for me. This means nine years of laughter and joy, but in my case it also means nine years of worrying.

I’ll never forget the intense anxiety I experienced as a new mom. My sons life seemed so fragile and I was worried about everything from SIDS and choking to random disasters. I remember constantly sticking my finger under his nose to make sure that he was breathing okay. I was so afraid all the time and emotionally I was feeling the weight of it all.

When I became a new mom I realized just how much of a control freak I am. Not with everyday things, I’m not one to try and micromanage, but with life. Trusting God was easier when it was just me. I could resign to His plans pretty easily, but when I became a mom trusting God felt a million times harder. Trusting God required me to let go of control of my baby and say, “I trust you with him God. I trust you no matter what happens. Good or bad.” It required surrender and I wasn’t ready to do that. I wasn’t ready to surrender. I wanted to control everything and naively thought that I could shield my son from pain.

It’s funny, because we never really have control, and yet we believe we do and try desperately to keep it. The truth is though, life was going to play out whether or not I liked it, I just had to choose who would walk us through it. Would I be driven by fear and constant worry, or trust in the God who would lead me through?

After months of worry and wrestling with God, I finally surrendered. Little did I know just how much I would need God to guide me through. The following years brought us three more babies, health scares and troubling diagnoses. In fact on more than one occasion I wondered if I would lose the precious babies that God had given me. Did surrendering my babies to God make me stop worrying? Nope! But it gave me hope.

When my daughter was in the hospital, tubes everywhere and progressively getting worse, I would sing and cry out to God. I was terrified, but I knew we were not alone. What a comfort that was. What a comfort that is to this day.

The truth is being a parent is scary. Kids are accidents waiting to happen and that can increase any parents anxiety tenfold, but we serve a God who is with us through it all, and He wants to lighten our load. 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” What a comfort this is! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been worried lately. I’ve been reading one too many news articles and the world seems overwhelmed with fear over another possible pandemic. I can’t help but worry about all the implications it could have on us, but I’m reminded that God can handle my worries and fears. I know that whatever comes, we will not walk it alone.

I have experienced God’s comfort and peace my whole life, but never more than in the past nine years of becoming a parent. So today, on my oldest son’s birthday, I will not only celebrate him, but all that God has done, and how I found comfort in the surrender.

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What’s the Gossip?

Sarah Faith

I’ve got to confess something, I struggle with gossip. I’m not sure when it all started, but somewhere along the way the line between healthy and toxic conversation got blurred. As I started to notice this about myself I realized a few things. Gossip grows bitterness, anger, and pride, none of which are beneficial.

There have been times in my life when I have needed support. I’ve needed a friend and that’s okay. I don’t have to do life alone. I can share my pain, grieve, and work through my circumstances gleaning advice.

With the right person, this can be fruitful. I have friends who have offered me so much wisdom and perspective. That’s great! The thing is, a good friend won’t let you live in your hurt and pain. See bitterness grows when we stay there. When our lives become one big long rant our perspective becomes narrow. We can’t see past ourselves, so no matter the situation we’re in we are always the victim. Even if we are the victim, gossip keep us from working through it. It traps us in self pity and makes it impossible to move on, forgive, and extend grace.

Not too long ago, I was ranting to my husband about someone who hurt me and he said, “You can’t just talk bad about someone to make yourself feel better.” His words hit me hard. He was right! I’d felt slighted and belittled and I wasn’t just hurt, I was angry! The words said to me by this person made me feel small, so in return I was picking them apart. Who am I to do that? What does that even achieve?

Over the years as I’ve wrestled with this, I’ve wondered where the line is. I’ve heard it said, that it’s not gossip if it’s true, but I’m not sure it’s that simple. Like I said, we are all entitled to a little support, but just how big is your circle? Do they challenge you? Or are they always on your side? Why are you telling the story? Is it even your story to tell?

I’m proud to say that though I sometimes gossip, I am a good secret keeper. Confidentiality is important and I respect that. Yet I’ll admit I’ve found myself participating in conversations I have no business being in. It’s an easy trap to fall into. How many times have you been in a room when somebody told you the latest news in somebody’s life and you just sat there and listened or chatted away with your opinion. It kinda feels good doesn’t it? Except when you feel the little twinge that somethings off. That maybe the “latest” wasn’t for your ears. Or even worse that awful feeling that it’s wrong. That you wouldn’t want someone else to be discussing all of your business, so maybe you shouldn’t be discussing theirs.

It takes intention to avoid gossip these days, discomfort even. The fact is it’s become such a natural part of so many conversations that it’s almost awkward to avoid it. As I recognize this struggle of mine I’m learning just how big a part of life it is. In fact avoiding it has meant being far less chatty with certain people than I was before. As a talker, the default is to discuss everything and anything. The thing is conversation can easily become a dangerous rabbit hole, and its not healthy. Avoiding it isn’t a simple task either. It might mean changing the conversation or boldly calling it out. It’s incredibly uncomfortable and I certainly haven’t figured it all out, but I’m working on it because it’s necessary.

In Proverbs 27:19 it says, “As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.” I want a life reflects the heart of God and if I say that my speech needs to be loving, peaceful, compassionate, and controlled. I’m not there yet, but I’m glad that I have God to guide me along the way.

I will no doubt have to continue to remove myself from certain discussions, but I can’t wait to see what fruitful conversations open up along the way. If I want my reflection to be one that shows the heart of God, my words must honour not just Him but those around me. If I believe in God’s grace and love, my speech needs to reflect it. I need to be an advocate for people instead of adversary.

As with any struggle, the first step towards change is admitting you have a problem. Assess yourself. Think about the things you discuss, and evaluate. Are you constantly venting about how somebody wronged you? Do you find yourself chatting about other peoples business? If so join me in the decision to intentionally avoid gossip. Lets be careful with our words, and the conversations we find ourselves in. If by chance you struggle with what that looks like, follow the sage advice of moms everywhere and, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

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God Help Me See the Joy

Sarah Faith

I was at a boiling point. The kids had been sick for days and I was up every night worrying and tending to fevers. They were finally on the mend, but I hadn’t recovered from my exhaustion and my house was a literal disaster with laundry overload, dish laden counters, and toys everywhere. A week of sickness had left the housework neglected and everyone tightly wound. I wasn’t coping well.

It’s not that I was actually losing it on anyone, it’s just that I felt like a ticking time bomb. Every whine was making me twitch, and I was becoming increasingly agitated and overwhelmed as I looked at the mess around me. Generally I default to ranting, but it’s not something I’m proud of, so I mustered all of my strength to try and not verbalize my growing list of grievances.

I felt like I needed a pause button, but that doesn’t really exist when it comes to life does it?

Some people call vacations a pause button, but my bank account didn’t allow for one, and even if it did, I needed to pause right that minute!

I was trying so hard to keep it together, because I didn’t want to lose it on my kids or my husband. I’ve been the angry ranting mom before, and I’ve always regretted my soapbox speech after I stepped down.

My kids have had moments when they’ve gotten frustrated and they just boil over and freak out. Each time I’ve said to them, “Your emotions are okay. It’s okay to be frustrated and angry, but you’re still responsible for how you deal with them. So you need to calm down.”

I wonder though, how am I supposed to teach them to calm down and control their emotions if I can barely do it myself?

The other day I skimmed an article about the voice in your head, and I realized that mine is often negative. Not all the time obviously, but more often than I’d like to admit my inner voice is anxious, angry, and self righteous. No wonder I feel the need for a pause button so often! In 2 Corinthians 10:5 it says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” See I know that at the root of it I need to work on self control, but I can’t do it on my own. Self control takes surrender. It takes me giving over my negative mindset to God and saying, “Here! Take it God. Help me to see things in a new way. Show me the joy that I’m struggling to see!”

The truth is I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, but on days like this, I’ve had a hard time seeing it. This stage of my life is often so chaotic, and somedays it’s hard to see all the joy in the midst of it. So I’m starting something new. When my inner narrative becomes sour, when I feel like a kettle ready to blow, I’m going to take my thoughts captive. I’m surrendering my soapbox to Christ and asking for a fresh perspective in return. I must, because I know there is joy in every story, but so often I struggle to see it on my own.

Slowly, God is teaching me to see all of my blessings. I’m tired, but it’s because I’m blessed with four amazing kids to keep me up at night. My living room may be strewn with toys, but it’s also filled with laughter. And though my counters are a mess of plates, cups, and bowls, it’s because I have plenty of food to dirty my dishes. In the grand scheme of things, I’m living the good life!

It’s not gonna be easy changing my thought process. I’ve developed a bad habit of dwelling in negativity and self pity, but I know surrendering my thoughts to God is the only answer.

Sure a vacation sounds dreamy, but a pause on life isn’t what I truly need at the core. An escape is a temporary fix, and sure I would love some rest and relaxation, but what I truly need is a change of perspective that only God can give me.

I guess I’m not looking for a pause after all. Instead I’m asking God to hit the reset button for my mind, so I don’t have to check out, but can check in with a new mindset. I want to see my life for all it’s beauty and spend my days soaking it in instead of grumbling as it passes me by.

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Jesus Please Hold My Hand in the Dark

Sarah Faith

We’ve been going through a bit of a tough season lately. A season where we don’t know what’s next and it feels like we’re walking through the dark grasping for a hand to guide us. In this season everything feels fragile and I fear it may all fall apart.

God is here with us in this season, I know it. He is guiding us through. I see His work in the all the little things that are carrying us. A cheque from a friend that arrives at just the right time, the support and encouragement of another, and that day when my online job went glitchy and I had no choice but to finally rest.

I’m scared though, because sometimes I don’t feel God’s hand guiding me and as someone who is security minded, I don’t like walking through life in the dark. I want … scratch that, I need to know what’s next. I need to feel secure and stable.

Instead I find myself asking “why”. Why us? Why are we standing here and it feels like the ground is crumbling beneath us? Is it me? Do I lack faith? That last question is rhetorical. I already know the answer. I do lack faith, BUT I also know God isn’t punishing me for it. Sometimes I have faith that is baffling in bleak circumstances, but this thing called security, it’s my kryptonite.

It’s crazy really, because I often fondly talk about years ago when we were in transition between jobs and had more money in our bank account than made sense. It was literally loaves and fishes, and yet here I am panicking, a complete and utter wreck.

I’ve always believed that we need to trust God no matter what, but that can be hard to do when you know bad things happen to Christians too.

How do I have faith, when so much is at stake. And is God really faithful in every circumstance? The truth is yes. God is faithful in the dark. God is faithful when I can’t feel His hand. He is always there. I can’t say I have constant peace in this season. It comes in waves, and then fear creeps back in, but thankfully I can say that He does provide.

I’ve been here before. I’ve walked through the dark when I couldn’t see. I felt alone, abandoned even, but in the end I’m glad to say I saw He was with me. He works in ways I do not understand, and many times it seems to not make sense, but He guides me through it. Now on the days when it doesn’t make any sense I will cling to Matthew 6:26-27 where Jesus says, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”

If God takes care of the birds, then surely we can trust Him to takes care of us! So even though I’m afraid and my legs feel shaky, I will step forward trusting He’s there to guide me, even when I can’t see His hand.

Dear Friend,

I wrote this months ago in a tough season. I am happy to report that so much has changed and God has taken care of us in big ways. I decided to share this to encourage others who need hope in a difficult time. If that’s you, don’t lose faith! God is with you and even though you can’t see it, there is light around the corner.

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Stop Making Excuses and Use Your Outdoor Voice

Sarah Faith

I’m a chatty person and yet I have spent so much of my life using my indoor voice. I don’t mean that literally, I mean I’ve been quiet about my faith, making up excuses that it wasn’t my time to share.

See I felt like I wasn’t ready yet. I was a work in progress, so how could I possibly have a voice when I didn’t have my act together. Here’s the thing though, I don’t know where that thought came from, but it isn’t biblical. The people we read about in the Bible weren’t finished works, they were very much in progress, and yet through them we have learned about love, grace, and hope. In fact, if the Bible only had people who had their act together, I’m pretty sure it would be a much smaller book!

In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul talks about asking God to remove the thorn in his side and it says in verse 9-11 , “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Now I’m no theologian, but it seems to me like Paul thought this thorn, or “weakness” rather, needed to be removed for him to serve God, and yet God says no! NO?! What’s up with that? Why wouldn’t God remove his weakness? Wouldn’t he want Paul to be serving him in his prime? Nope, He says His grace is enough and His power is shown through weakness! Can I get an AMEN?!

I wasted so long being quiet, literally telling God I wasn’t ready yet, humming and hawing through life, not because God didn’t want to use me, it was my fear and insecurity holding me back! Yet God was there waiting for me to trust Him and be used. Not because I’ve got the answers, or I’m an excellent role model of perfect Christianity. Nope! I wish! He has been waiting to extend me grace, and to show His power through my weakness as He works through me.

How beautiful is that? We serve a God who writes a beautiful story of grace and redemption in the midst of the mess and pain. He changes the narrative when all seems lost. He offers us a message of hope that the world needs to hear, and we just need to have the courage to share it.

Don’t be like me. Don’t waste time minimizing the story that God has written for you. No more excuses! Use your outdoor voice! Be bold! Speak up! Share what God has put on your heart. Maybe your story is just what someone else needs to hear. Maybe they need to hear what you’ve got to say to remind them of God’s love and grace. Your story may be exactly what someone needs to know they are not alone.

The first blog I wrote was about how inadequate I felt, but you know what’s interesting, the more I use my voice to share what God has put on my heart, the more confident and secure I feel. Not in a cocky way, it’s different than that. I have a sense of purpose and determination that fuels me now. See I think sometimes as Christians we can excuse insecurity. We can be deceived into thinking our insecurity is humility, but that’s a lie. You can be confident in what God has called you to and still be humble. You can use your outdoor voice and still be meek and mild.

The other day I was watching Reese Witherspoon’s new show, Shine On. She was interviewing America Ferrerra and she said something so profound that I rewound it several times just to soak it in. She said, “The number one thing that it takes to take action is courage. You have to be the one to say, ‘My voice matters, my experiences matter. I’m gonna find the courage to use my voice even if my voice shakes.’” Now I realize that this doesn’t directly apply. We are not alone in this as Christians. The Holy Spirit gives us boldness, but in order to speak we still have to obey, and that takes courage on our end. It takes guts to open our mouth and speak up. For me, I’ve chosen to obey and use my voice for this blog, and even though I’ve started and put a few blogs out there, it still takes courage. Some of these blogs are so personal, that my voice feels shaky even as I use it on these pages, but I know that God has called me to use it, so I will.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone is called to blog or speak. I couldn’t possibly assume that, but I know you all have a story to share. God has given you a voice and talents and He wants you to use them in a unique way. Maybe you’re not sure what He wants you to say or maybe you are, but you’re scared. Either way, spend time, listen to him, and have the courage to obey. Don’t make excuses, for goodness sakes! Ditch the silence of insecurity and use your outdoor voice!

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Don’t Just Dream It, Do It

Sarah Faith

It’s that time of year. The time when we recap all of the good and bad of the last 12 months and make goals to move forward. It’s exciting as we anticipate the new year and the opportunities it will bring.

For me, 2019 had a lot of lows, but it’s still a year I’ll never forget. 2019 is when I finally realized a dream I’d carried for years. This year I stepped out of my comfort zone and started this blog. It’s funny, because as I set out for this year I had absolutely no intention of starting anything. In fact, I felt a little lost.

I’ve been a stay at home mom for years, and I had no idea what my life would look like once all of my kids went off to school. That day seemed like it would never come and yet here I am less than a year out from having large amounts of actual free time. As exciting as this is, I found myself becoming more anxious at the thought of freedom, not because I’d miss my kids, I mean I will of course, but because I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had no clue what my purpose was beyond being a mom, and in you’re thirties, that’s a scary thing to admit!

Up until now my purpose has been clear, to focus on my kids. Caring for them and loving them 24/7. It’s been challenging, but also simple, comfortable even. Sure I’ve been pushed to the brink of exhaustion and I’ve had a lot of growing up to do, but my purpose was clear and I knew exactly what I had to do.

This year has been filled with uncertainty as I figured out what was next for me in 2020. I’ve spent countless hours worrying about what’s next. What am I supposed to do with my life? Do I chase a paycheque or work towards a dream? What exactly are my dreams?

In the spring, my husband started a blog and began to ask me to guest post. He mentioned it often and each time I would shrug it off saying, “I dunno. What would I write?”. Finally, on a sunny day in June, I was inspired. The words rushed out of me like water out of a tap. I wrote about my struggles. It was cathartic. It felt important. A couple of weeks later it happened again, and I poured my heart out into another guest post. Like a diary, for all to see. Suddenly I began to dream!

Now I’m usually a starter, not a finisher, but I felt this dream birthed in me. I felt a sense of purpose, so I prepared and launched this blog with intention.

I say all of this to say, what’s your purpose? What dream has God birthed in your heart? Are you doing your part to see it come to life?

I didn’t really realize it, but it turns out writing has been a passion of mine all along. Since starting my blog I’ve found embarrassing diary entries from my preteen years, odd little short stories, and blogs from two years ago that I didn’t have the courage to share. I found a dream that had been put aside too many times and was finally stumbled upon. I discovered my dream from long ago and I finally pushed my insecurities aside and stepped into my purpose.

So what is your 2020 going to look like? Are you finally going to step out and see your dreams realized, because if you’re like me you can become complacent in comfort. You can procrastinate on fulfilling your purpose. Dreams can seem like impossible fantasies, but God has called us to the impossible. He calls us to things we can’t do in our own strength. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do all this through him who gives me strength”. We can achieve our God given purpose, because of HIM! We know we have found our purpose, when we are living out our dreams that are just plain impossible without God. Let me tell you, it’s scary! It requires trust, and risk, and a whole lot of vulnerability, BUT it’s exhilarating! It’s a thrill relying on God for strength each step of the way as you navigate the unknown and dare to dream even more.

So in 2020, don’t settle for comfort, but beyond that, do more than just dream, actually do. When you’re captivated by your dreams, with the purpose God has given you, take action! You’ve heard it said, “Don’t just dream it, do it!”. Let this be the year! Step out and may your dreams become reality, as you “do it” in His strength.